Chapter 3: Confession
Jamie found Scott disturbingly close to the classroom where he and Amar had been talking and immediately he wondered if Scott had been eavesdropping. But Scott’s smile was surprised and he seemed as happy as ever to see Jamie, so Jamie pushed the thought aside. It was ridiculous, after all. He was a bit disappointed that they wouldn’t meet in the rose garden, but not all fantasies could come true. As he drew closer to Scott, he couldn’t help but inhale the fine scent of cloves and leather that always lingered near the man’s strong form.
Like a cowboy from the old days, he thought, except real cowboys had almost certainly smelled terrible. Not like Scott, although Scott would have made a fine cowboy nonetheless. Jamie shut his eyes for a moment and pictured Scott on a horse, the two magnificent creatures working together to tame the herd into submission, Scott’s pelvis providing the only direction needed by the well trained horse as his hands threw the lasso and perfectly hooked a stray cattle to pull it aside for special attention. He would love Scott’s special attention, and he would love to be the horse underneath Scott, obeying his every command without need for words, two beings united by passion and communicating through their flesh.
“Hey, Jamie, you okay?”
Jamie felt himself going red again. He was glad for his baggy jeans because he was a little hard, but he didn’t think anyone could notice. Thinking of Scott as a cowboy was far too sexy for the school hallway. He needed to keep that image for nighttime as he worked through his lust privately.
“Yeah, I’m fine. How are you?”
“Great. Want to do something tonight?”
“Let’s do something right now,” Jamie said, determined to go through with his plan.
Without thinking, he took Scott’s hand and started pulling him towards the school exit. A few students looked at him oddly. Then he realized that they were holding hands and he stopped, embarrassed.
“Oh, I know what’s wrong,” Scott said with a dark chuckle. He gripped Jamie’s hand more firmly and led them both out.
Jamie’s mind swarmed with worries. What did that mean? Did he know that Jamie was gay and now he was being rejected? But then why were they still holding hands? Why was Scott taking him to – wait, Scott was taking him to football field! The freshmen jocks were out there and they frequently beat up gay freshmen no matter how many times the academy punished them.
“What are you doing? I don’t- let me go,” he said, pulling against the stronger man’s grip. Damn Scott’s strength. Even if it was part of what made him sexy.
“I’m not taking you to the field, you idiot,” Scott said. “I’ll get beat up too if the freshmen jocks catch us holding hands. I’m taking you somewhere else. You do want to talk to me privately, don’t you?”
Jamie walked freely now, surprised how much he was willing to trust the other man. He didn’t really think Scott would get beat up but it was reassuring to know that Scott understood what he was thinking. He felt himself bouncing on the balls of his feet as they walked. Scott knew, he had to know, he had just admitted holding hands meant they were both gay and could get beat up, and he knew Jamie wanted to talk to him, and he still wanted to talk so the answer must be yes. A smile stretched across his face as he followed Scott.
Scott led him behind the field into the forest. Jamie had heard there was a forest near campus that was a make out spot but had never dreamed of going there. He wasn’t a monk by any means – his sheets were proof of that – but he had never met the guy that he was willing to come out for until now, so he had no experience at all. He eyed Scott’s tall figure. Scott probably knew all sorts of things and had tons of experience. Would he be disappointed to learn how inexperienced Jamie was? Jamie hadn’t even kissed anyone yet and he was already nineteen. That was pretty pathetic, according to Amar.
A clearing opened up before them, a small hollow with soft green grass about ankle high and flowers scattered throughout. A hill at one end provided elevation and Jamie could imagine snuggling together while lying against the hill. He imagined Scott turning towards him, leaning over him until the weight of his body rubbed him in the most delightful way and he would have to clutch Scott and beg for relief. That might happen sooner than later, he thought with a shiver. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about such physical intimacy yet. He wanted it desperately, but he was afraid that Scott was planning on using him and then dumping him. He needed something real, something he could hold on to. He needed love.
“Are you cold?” Scott asked, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
“No,” Jamie said. Scott hesitated and started to remove his arm but Jamie grabbed it and kept it in place. “It’s okay. I don’t have to be cold for you to hold me.”
He took a deep breath, then faced Scott. With Scott’s arm around his shoulder, they were face-to-face, close enough to kiss.
“I, um, wanted to tell you that, well, I’m kind of interested in you,” he said softly, unable to meet Scott’s eyes.
Rejection at this point would be too much. Was Scott just playing along, toying with him so that he could dash his hopes even further? Tears welled up at the thought and he shut his eyes. He remembered his mother’s body, cold and white, and his father’s ashes in the urn at his aunt’s house. He thought of his aunt and her children, and how she had ignored him unless she had chores for him to do. He was just another responsibility, she frequently told him. Just someone she promised her damn brother-in-law she would look after, and now that her brother-in-law kicked the bucket she was stuck honoring that promise. No one in that family loved him, he knew. The cousins saw him as a toy or someone to do their homework for them, and his aunt saw him as a useless body she had to feed.
Sometimes he wished he could move to a foster family, but he doubted it would be any better. No one would care for him after his father died. No one could care for him. He was lost and unlovable. The touch of a hand on his chin brought him back to the present and he stared up at Scott.
“I was hoping you’d say that,” Scott said to Jamie’s surprise, “because I’ve been kind of interested in you since you first came here.”
“I – wait, what? School started three months ago! We only met one month ago. What happened before that?”
He felt a pout on his lips but couldn’t stop it. Was he unlovable? Had Scott seen him and dismissed him at first, because of something Jamie had done? Scott had known about him for two months and done nothing. Two months they could have been sneaking out to the forest like this, two months they could have been kissing or perhaps even more. What had changed in that time to make Scott approach him?
Perhaps in two months Scott would have persuaded Jamie to strip for him, and they would have laid down together and Scott would have stroked his body and kissed him while Jamie whimpered in pleasure. Perhaps Jamie would have cried out while Scott pierced him for the first time, while Jamie gasped at the pleasure he knew he felt only an echo of at night by himself.
Scott trailed his finger along Jamie’s jaw and he leaned into the caress.
“I wanted to make sure you had friends your own age at this school. Besides, I wasn’t sure if you’d be interested in me. You’re a little hard to read.”
“Yeah,” Jamie said and gulped. It was his fault. He had been so busy avoiding people that he had almost lost out on the man he was already thinking of giving his virginity to. It warmed his heart a little that Scott was still pursuing him after all this time, and that Scott had his best interests at heart. But the question still remained: now that he was out to Amar and Scott, would something terrible happen to them?
Jamie shrugged. “I don’t really want everyone knowing. Until now, I guess. Now I don’t care.”
“Good,” Scott said, pulling him into a hug and tucking Jamie’s head underneath his. Because of Scott’s height, he fit perfectly in the crook of Scott’s neck and he could feel Scott’s throat hum as he continued speaking.
“Because I’m very possessive and I want everyone to know that you’re mine.”
Jamie flushed and knew he was red from head to toe. His hands, which had been at his sides until then, now traveled hesitantly upward until they rested on Scott’s hips.
“I know why I want you, but, well, why do you want me?”
Scott laughed, the sound reverberating against Jamie’s head as he lay tucked against the man’s body. “Haven’t you seen yourself, little angel? And you’re so intelligent and witty, too. I can’t believe I’m the first person to pursue you.”
“You’re hardly pursuing me,” Jamie said, reluctantly pulling back so that he could see Scott’s eyes glittering in amusement. It was true; Jamie was doing most of the pursuing in this conversation. He had initiated it, after all. He was the one exposing all of his secrets and laying his heart out for Scott to trample or cherish. His chest was heavy and happy at being called ‘angel’ even as he worried that he couldn’t live up to Scott’s standards.
“I’ve been pursuing you from the moment you set foot on this campus, even if you didn’t know it, sweetheart. And I’m not the only one. I’m just the only one you’ve noticed.”
Jamie’s thoughts flew to Mr. Ferrin, then to a senior who had approached him in the shower one day. He had been so embarrassed that he had assumed it was a prank, not a come on. The other boy had tried to get in the shower with him and had seen him naked. Jamie didn’t like to think about that – his body was shameful and the thought that anyone had seen him naked was humiliating. Even in his fantasies of Scott, he was always at least partially dressed to cover the pale scars criss-crossing his shoulders and thighs where he used to cut himself after his father died. No one was supposed to know about those scars, and except for the upperclassman in the shower, no one did. They were shameful, his body was shameful. But maybe Scott would be able to accept him despite his flaws.
Jamie shut his eyes. “I don’t want anyone else. Just you.”
“Good,” Scott whispered, clasping him to his breast again. “You have no idea how happy that makes me.”
Jamie smiled tremulously and pushed all of the negative thoughts out of his head. This was not the time to worry, this was the time to be in the moment with the man he was falling in love with. Every word out of Scott’s mouth melted Jamie’s heart a little more and as he pulled back to study Scott, his smile became firm and his stomach gave a tiny flip. It felt like electricity between them and Jamie knew this was what it was like to be in love.